I drove to smallerville today to see your parents. I was reminded of driving over here last year the luscious greenery on the mountains. The clear blue skies and warm air so much the same.  The difference though is that my excitement was replaced by deep sadness for today makes four months that you’ve been gone. Four months of life without you. Four months of unbelievable heartache. Four months of trying to find a new normal.

When I pulled up to the house and saw your truck tears sprang from my eyes. I wiped them away but they continued to fall.  The flowers in full bloom and the birds partaking from the feeders. The smell of summer in the air. The dust and the wind rustling through the trees. They all whispered of a yesterday to far gone.  Zoe was happy to be here , to be out of the car. She rushed into the house and straight to your mom. She climbed up into her lap as if she didn’t weigh nearly 50lbs.

I will never be able to express how wonderfully amazing your parents have been through all of this. They are so warm, kind and loving.  I feel such peace and calm here. Your mother and I seem to just “get” each other and the sorrow we feel from your passing.  We spent the afternoon visiting and watching Adam Sandler movies. We laughed, we cried, we sat in silence.  When dinner time came your mom asked me if I wanted to go to the store with her.  We drove to Fred Meyer down the highway they had closed when we were here in February, the closed road signs were still there but we drove down it anyway. She talked about all the changes and when the project is expected to be finished.  When we pulled into the parking lot she stated that they don’t shop there near as much as they did when you worked there.  We ran into Gary and he hugged your mom and his eyes misted. It was strange to see how your death affects others outside our tight knit circle.  I sometimes forget that there are others beyond your mom, dad, sister and myself.  I know you touched so many lives. Sometimes I don’t realize that others might feel your absence.

I sat in your truck today and was comforted by the smell, the memories, the console still holding everything as it had the last time you drove it. I was flooded with memories made and adventures taken. I sat breathing in and sobbed. I miss you will never accurately describe how I feel.  The days are supposed to come easier they say: They arent easier just further removed from the day the world ended. Every day, I do my best to move in forward motion and not get caught in the sadness that fills my heart.

I moved forward through March with its chicken pox, April with its challenges to keep me from school, May with its homework , and shocking discoveries, and here it is June and I’ve made it through our anniversary, and I even made it through court without your physical body by my side.  You are with me, I feel it when I need you most. You are strength and love, courage and encouragement. You are the push and shove. You are the breath in my lungs when it seems to hard to breathe. You are the love I never believed in. I am doing my best to live and breathe and remember all the times you told me no matter what happens remember you deserve love and happiness. I am trying and somehow I made it to June.