I’m okay, I’m okay, I AM OKAY.
(Breathe) I am okay, I am okay, I am okay.  (Breathe)

   Twenty one days to change a habit, repetitive positive enforcement to make things in your life different, better.  Forward progress, one step at a time, baby steps, keep looking up, you can do it, you’ve got this, this moment won’t last forever,  and on and on and on.  Would you like to know the truth? I am NOT okay. I will probably never be “okay” again.  Life took me, chewed me up and spit me out.  I’ve been set on permanent spin in the wash machine of life.  I am not sure where to count my days. Where do they begin, where do they end and when will I begin to find myself again?  
It is okay to not be okay?! It has to be because that is where I am and where I have been.  It’s funny all the things I have tried to “fix” this state of not okay. How dumb is that? I think I can fix it as though it is a problem that can be solved.  It isn’t a problem and therefore there is no solution. It is a place one I can surely dwell in forever if I allow myself to.  I know I won’t dwell here forever and in all honesty I do not feel as though I am dwelling.  I feel stuck unable to fully comprehend all that I have traveled through this year. 
  I’ve tried masking the reality, acting as though it never happened.  I’ve attempted to convince myself it doesn’t hurt, that I am okay and I can move forward as though none of this affected me as it has.  In the end no matter what I do, I am just here. I am in process. And currently I am not okay.  I hope that someday I will be okay, in fact I would love to be better than okay.  I would love to be able to not be enveloped by the sadness off loss, to understand the why, to believe there was light at the end of the very dark tunnel. I have hope. I will always have hope. But for now just know that I am NOT OKAY and that IS perfectly okay.