How do you make them understand? How do you share with those closest to you that you no longer enjoy life? Where did the joy go and when did it leave? And why does it always look as though everyone’s lives have more than yours? More love, more joy, more happiness, more time, more money, more Jesus. Simply more blessings than what your own life has. Lastly why is it that you can’t talk about these things without feeling like a failure. Worrying that someone will think you may be mentally unstable or worse that they will tell you to look at all the good in your life.

I just want to wallow in my self pity for five damn minutes. I want you or someone, anyone to recognize that life is hard, damn hard. That so many of us put on a happy face and let the world around us believe we are okay. I want no solution because many times there aren’t any. I just want to be allowed to be upset and unhappy and have others share that they too can relate. Is this just too much to ask of my fellow mothering comrades?

Christmas time is meant to be joyful. Christmas parties, presents, celebrations of Jesus’ birth, kindness and cheer everywhere you go. Lights, songs, and decorations abound. And yet for so many including myself it is a reminder of all that is lost and broken. Disconnected, dysfunctional family dynamics, a constant state of true fomo, a societal slap in the face that everyone appears to have the above stated more.

Lately, I have reflected over the past. I have considered many of the choices ai have made in the last three decades. I have found peace with some and have deep regrets over others. I expect I will be here in this earth for another three decades at least and I am trying to think how I can make better choices and be a better human.

I am on the north end of my forties and I am realizing that there are so many things in life that I am truly thankful for. I have amazing children. Four who have become successful people and are navigating through their young adult lives. I have the world’s best, best friend. I have a caring, understanding, hard working husband. My in laws are wonderful and amazing and I feel as though I can say we have developed our own friendships over the past eight years. I know I am loved.

I also find myself wanting to walk out the front door some days with a few hundred dollars in my pocket, no phone, no identification and no plan to return. Because, well because sometimes it just all feels like too much. Everyone needs me to do everything, fix everything, be everything and I’m just tired. I AM JUST TIRED.

I want you to know, you are not alone. So many women feel this same way. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay to not be okay. It is okay if you too feel like everyone around you seems to have it all. It really is okay. And if you aren’t happy about the holidays that is okay to.

Now if only we could find a way to not paint on a smile and pretend like we are okay. If only we could say, I’m thankful for you and for inviting me to ____________(insert any Christmas activity here) but honestly I am just sad, or angry, or hurting, etc. today. I am glad to be here but I’m just lacking the joy of Christmas. If we could share that and not be made to feel smaller than we already do, well that would just be amazing wouldn’t it?

To all the mothers, grandmothers, aunties, and all other women who feel like life just asks too much of you, I hope you can find solace in this. I hope you can truly know that we are allowed to feel emotions other than joy. We are all just doing our best to be the best and because of this we are often running our tank on empty.

Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. If you are having a hard time finding happiness during this season and time just remember that you are loved and that it’s okay.

I personally believe in Jesus and his sacrifice. I would like to invite you to reach out and ask for Jesus to come and bring you peace and comfort. I know without my salvation I would not be able to overcome the darkness that sometimes overwhelms me. I may not always feel happiness during this time of year but I am grateful for that babe born in a manger.

May you be blessed this Christmas season.

Luke 2:11-14