So many things have happened in the last few months. The best of which was my daughter getting married. So much planning and a lot of behind the scenes arranging travel for family and friends. My husband and I along with the help of the most amazing best friend helped move my daughter and her new husband from Washington state to their first apartment together in Kansas City. It has been amazing and overwhelming. I am so thankful to have been able to do this for them. Crazy as it may sound the past six months have been so wrapped up in traveling and planning that our daily lives have been in a hold pattern. But now home for a week we are slowly starting to regain our footing. Well, at least we are trying.

Today, was difficult. It has been over a hundred degrees for the last five days. I am still working in the house attempting to reclaim our house from the whirlwind of tearing it apart to move my daughters things out while moving ourselves back in. We had been gone for nearly three months and had collected some stuff in our travels. Joel was home for the weekend but had left this morning. Todays high temperatures came with high humidity which found us indoors and coupled with the expectation to move around some more furniture and boxes we were already asking for added frustrations. I found myself in a constant power struggle to get anything done so I turned to the trusted babysitter also known as the tv. This was great and in between meals, and potty breaks the magic picture machine bought me four and a half glorious hours of peace and I accomplished a multitude of tasks. The unfortunate outcome following that much tv viewing (especially for kids who on average watch about an hour or less of tv per week) was complete meltdown when the last show ended and I elected to switch the power off.

It was the end of the world. All three kids began wailing. The middle of which proceeded to wail “TV” for the following twenty minutes. It took everything in me to not lose my mind. How does something that seems so innocent become so addicting SO QUICKLY? I’m at a loss on this myself. After a few cuddles to help the four year old regulate we were back to creating and building with legos and fighting with each other (the boys). They also seemed to have lost the ability to listen and follow directions during that four hour viewing period. It was sheer insanity. Dinner time finally came and I had planned to make chili Mac for dinner using leftovers. This was a new meal but I felt fairly confident it would be well received. I’m here to tell you I couldn’t have been more wrong. The baby ate it. The boys decided it was “uscusting” (disgusting) before they even took a bite. I bribed them to eat their serving and get a cookie. Y’all, I am not the bribing type but I was just dying at this point. It worked. My mother in law won many a good battles with my husband this way and today I may have a slightly more positive outlook for this as an option.

After dinner, we transition right into bath and story time. This is a set routine that we have been doing for over four years. It is solid and we do it even when traveling or when the nights run long because routine is important. Al started good until I went to wash them. Jaxsen decided he was going to hold the soap hostage. I was literally arguing about the soap for a good three minutes. Finally, washed and dried I set the boys to retrieve their own clothes because I’m attempting to build independence. These boys are now on the floor one with undies the other still in his birthday suit in a full on reenactment of WWE Randy Savage style. By this time I am beyond over it. I tell them it’s over no stories, we are calling daddy. The call goes well and they seem to gain a little understanding as to why they lost their story time. After the I love you and good nights I tell them we are going to read one book. A book called “Fighting” by Joy berry. It’s a good one about sibling who are always fighting and hurting one another. They really seemed to listen and enjoy it. We ended our night discussing why it isn’t okay to fight and why I need them to be better listeners. Today I feel like I failed them and myself. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will recall everything that didn’t work today. Tomorrow we definitely won’t use tv well also because I told them I threw away the Roku. That will be an interesting conversation when daddy gets home. For now I will do my best to create a better environment and hope this heat wave ends soon because it is kinda making us all a little crazy.

Many years ago a once famed Miley Cirus performed a song titled “It’s the Climb”. To this day, every time I hear this song, it touches me deep inside my soul and brings forward many warm memories. This is ironic to me, seeing as this song came out during a very dark and lonely time in my life. I have endured many things in this journey called life and my climb has often been worth the hardships. Though lately, it feels as though the climb is never ending. More truthfully it feels as though the climb has come to an end and I am standing at the edge of the cliff contemplating my next move.  There are many ways over the vast and beautiful ravine below with its water rapids and large mountain rocks. I could hike up several kilometers and take the bridge that crosses over to the next path. I could use the gear and repel down the side and test the ropes and my own agility. There is the adventurous spirit of hang gliding and facing the fears within of falling.

As I stand here at the cliff’s edge wondering what I should do next, I am tempted to leap. I am uncertain what may become of such a treacherous action; Will I fall to my untimely death? Will I gracefully maneuver the rapids below like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive? Will it transcend me through time and space sending me to an alternate universe where things are less painful and make more sense? Could it be possible to step off of the cliff and find peace?  I am uncertain of what is on the other side of the cliffs edge, I just know that I must face it as the darkness is setting in and I can not turn back from whence I came.

The news came and you panicked you bought canned goods, freeze dried fruit and more toilet paper than you could use in a year.

You watched every news channel and listened to every talk show on the radio. You sanitized door handles, shopping carts, and groceries before you brought them into your home. You slathered your hands with sanitizer and appointed a runner to make essential runs for your family.

You avoided the outdoors and contact with people. You became terrified by the possibility of death and you allowed that fear to fester. You rationed everyone and everything. You began to believe that people who went outdoors without masks or into stores without masks were your enemy.

You stayed within your family unit, you ordered contactless grocery delivery and canceled doctors appointments. You navigated zoom and telehealth if it was necessary. You became a prisoner within your own home.

You did this because you believed you were helping , because you were afraid of dying, of becoming sick or of getting others sick. You continued to watch the updates from the WHO, CDC, and NIH and you didn’t question when those entities strongly disagreed.

You failed to allow yourself to see that your fear had taken such hold of your life that you no longer were living. You didn’t die, but did you live?

Each day thousands of people died not of COVID-19 but of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, kidney failure,old age , murder, suicide etc. And so many chose to allow their fears to keep them from their loved ones.

It is time to stop being afraid. It is time to stop trusting everything you are reading and hearing in the media and realize that our government is corrupt and divided and they are doing everything they can to divide us. It is time to ask yourself if your survival this past year was worth every thing you lost?

You may have continued breathing and you may have survived. You may have done what you feel is your part and taken precautions with a vaccine. The question you must truly be asking yourself is Did you live?

It wasn’t that many years ago that I remember making the claim that I could kick my twenty year old self’s ass. My youngest child was seven and I finally had time to devote to myself….. Yes, for many those words seem impossible, but I am here to tell you that some day the crazy chaos of diapers, naps, spit up and toys strewn everywhere will fade and you will find yourself with time.

For me this meant I could exercise or spend hours at the thrift store (this may be a future blog), I could volunteer and not feel spread so thin or have to drag the younger siblings along.

I had been a distance walker for as long as I could remember. I lived in San Diego for a minute and would walk two miles to the beach daily, sometimes more than once. I absolutely love walking.

Have you seen the movie “What women want” with Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt? There is a scene were they are brainstorming and getting nowhere and Helen Hunt is thinking and running phrases through her head of what running means to her. She visualizes the open road and the crisp air, the feeling of freedom to go wherever she wants, the lack of judgement the road has for any number of things we find ourselves judged in and she comes to the slogan “No games, Just sports, Nike”. This was how I felt about walking. There were no judgements, no one to answer to, just myself and the open road.

Then one crazy day I was walking and quite frankly feeling a bit lazy (ha) and I thought “if I jogged just a little I could be done quicker” and so I picked up the pace and before I knew it I was running. Like “Run Forrest Run” running in the scene where his braces break off. I’m sure he looked more graceful than I did in that moment. But for the first time in my life I was running and not because something was chasing me.

Then before I even knew what was happening, running replaced walking, and I began to LOVE it. I grew stronger, I had more endurance. I started to incorporate weight lifting. I was tone and had developed muscle definition and best of all I had amazing energy and a bit of self pride. I mean seriously I was most definitely stronger and healthier at thirty seven, having given birth to and rearing five kids, four of them boys mind you, than I had been in my early twenties. Before my cells stopped reproducing at 100% and the wonderful process of aging truly kicked in.

Then something awful happened, I turned 40. Okay, okay let me rephrase turning forty wasnt awful but having my energy plummet and my metabolism slow was awful. My aches and pains increased. I struggled with eating the right foods and getting enough exercise and sleep.

Here is the thing, I’ve had a lot of things happen in the last five/six years. More than probably most people especially since I am no longer a mother of five but of seven, six of which are boys… Yes, I’m very gray up top now. Hahahahaha and I realize these things contribute to my lack of sleep, energy, sanity and daily functions.

But also I am 43, with five kids at home three teenagers, a preschooler and an infant. I dont have time for self care let alone to spend hours or heck, even thirty minutes doing “beach” anything. So instead my postpartum figure has taken the longest ever to recover. I’m carrying extra weight and am now understanding why vanity leads many to the surgical to fix what seems unfixable.

But you know what I watched the half time show of the superbowl this past Sunday and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Shakira turned 43 that day and Jennifer Lopez is 50 and hot damn were they living their best lives on that stage.

Pole work or dancing is hard and takes an amazing amount of core strength. And Jennifer Lopez is not a small, petite woman. I find her dedication to strengthen her body inspiring.

I was truly inspired by both of these beautiful women who have success stories and dedicate time and energy to looking and feeling their best. I can only imagine the controversy of their performances came from insecurity of those of you who have lost the drive for themselves. Although I viewed the performances differently I also realized that I had allowed my last few years to take from me something that I love.

You do not have to love running, or going to the gym or lifting weights. You dont even have to want to be “fit as a fiddle”. However, you dont get to let your lack of drive to do those things belittle the women around you who choose to do so. After all we are suppose to empower one another not the opposite. And just because we are over forty doesnt mean we are old.

So embrace Shakira and J-Lo and their incredible dedication to being the best versions of themselves. Praise their abilities and keep your own insecurities in check.

Now to dust off these running shoes and get back to something I once loved. I may be in my forties but that doesnt mean I’m old just means I need to work a little harder and make effort to show up for myself.

Aging is funny because I dont “feel” any older in my mind. I’ve gained wisdom, patience and experience but mostly I still feel like that same seventeen year old girl vibrant, crazy and ready to take on the world.

I was asked to hold this paper clip for another person.  It wasn’t much to hold, its weight was a fraction of an ounce. It was light and I hardly noticed it in my hand, I placed it into my pocket and truly forgot it was there.  Some time passed and two paper clips of my own were needing to be held so I placed those in my pocket. Still so small and insignificant I didn’t feel the weight of them as I carried them around.  Days and weeks went by and a friend needed safe keeping for a precious stone.  It was small in size maybe the size of a quarter so I obliged and into my pocket this stone went.  Time continued moving forward and unless my fingers brushed over them I didn’t really notice the paper clips and the stone.  As it does, time continued on and I added my own stones and paperclips as well as more of others.  Eventually those lightweight items began to weigh me down. They pulled at my pockets and shifted my hips.  I began to notice them daily.  They chaffed and rubbed and became uncomfortable to carry.  Somehow in time they had interlinked and I was no longer aware of which clips and stones were mine and which belonged to others.

As time moved forward I was unable to remove those things from my pockets.  It was as though they had become permanently attached.  So I just trudged forward and eventually they became seemingly unnoticed once again.  My steps weren’t as light as they had once been and I could feel the pull from the weight on my pockets, but I just stood as strong as I could and ignored that my walk was now heavier.  I carried on this way for many years.  There were times I would have to pick up a golf ball or Lego man and have no place else to place them but within the pocket with all of the paper clips and stones.

Two years ago I stumbled, Correction I fell face first into a boulder it was so large that I was certain I would be crushed by it.  It stopped me for a moment and I had to collect myself but somehow, even though the boulder outweighed me by three tons, I picked it up and placed it in my pocket with all those paper clips, stones, golf balls and Lego men.  My stride was no longer such.  I was hunched and I was visibly hurting however, I continued on.  I began to feel a little like Quasimodo (The hunchback of Notre Dame)  so I secluded myself away from those who loved me and cared about me.  I made plans and I broke them.  I became comfortable within my own walls were I didn’t have to face others or make excuses.  I created and picked up more clips and a few golf balls.  I began to become immobile, Everything became overwhelming and daunting.

And then out of nowhere a feather landed atop my head and I collapsed beneath the weight of it all.  The years of paper clips and stones, golf balls and Lego men were covering me. I couldn’t breath. I lay beneath the weight of the boulder my breaths were stifled and short. I was dying.  I had slowly broken my own will to live and carry on.  I had internalized everything and I hadn’t allowed anyone to help even when they asked.  Those paper clips were the burdens of others.  The stones deep dark secrets that I carried so they didn’t have to.  The golf balls were those of guilt and the Lego men feelings of failure.  The boulders were huge life events that I had no control over life, divorces, and deaths.  And I carried on smiling and drudging because I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t know how to let go.  In the beginning it was because they seemed small.  As I picked up or held onto more things those small ones permanently attached themselves to my thoughts and muscles. They became a part of who I was…….at least this is what I was choosing to believe.

Until a moment came , a moment where I realized that I no longer had to carry any of it.  It was not only okay to let it go, it was what I should have done all along.  I was never meant to carry any of it.  We are not created to carry anything more than our own weight.  We are not supposed to pick up and lug through all of our life our fears, guilt’s, failures, and worries.  We are suppose to face them, glean from them, learn from them, and then let them go.  It is only then that we can move forward.   I have realized that not only can I not, I do not want to sit stagnant in this life and I certainly DO NOT want to die beneath the weight of my burdens and guilt’s because I was too stubborn or scared to let them go.

Today I encourage you to do just that.  Let it go, let go of all that you have been carrying.  Just lay it down and DO NOT pick it up again.  Leave it there on the ground and step over it.  The things that need to be with you will come: The love, the memories, and the lessons. These three, they are all you need and they do not weigh you down. To the contrary they lift you up and leave you feeling weightless.