It is lonely in the darkness. Cold and lonely. I have been here for so long. I forgot what the warmth of the sun feels like. I vaguely recall what light is like or how it reflects colors and beauty. I am lost in the dark and the bitter cold. I have found comfort within its walls. It is here in the cold, bitter dark that I do not feel. It is so gray and gloomy that this place is void of feeling and that is why I like it.

In the far corner of this place there is a sliver of light. I only see it if I look for it and mostly I leave it be. I know it is there but I do not know that anything good will come of it. Beyond the sliver there may be more light and then what? What comes next? Will there be comfort in the light or will it make me feel again? I can not handle what it may bring and therefore I leave it there to itself.

I stumbled into the darkness. I didn’t mean to go there. The further I walked from the last breath the harder it became to walk through the days. This truth had me struggling for basic functions. It was hard to not cry, sob, swear, or cry out in angst for this heartache I was feeling. I was drowning in pain, hurt, and loss. Somedays, I didn’t know how to make myself breath. The harder it became the more I stumbled, until one day I fell right into the darkness.

The darkness is an interesting place, you may have been there a time or two in your life. It is a place of sadness, addiction, loss, grief, remorse, regret, angst and on and on. Many have stumbled in the darkness. Some are discovered more quickly to have fallen than others. And then there are those who like myself put on the mask of darkness and you do not notice. You don’t notice because with the mask we can still smile or laugh. We can actively participate in things and we seem as though we are there………. We are lost in the darkness and you may never even fully notice it.

The darkness itself is like an addiction, there is comfort in its promise of no feelings. It takes away the pains and hurts. Like whiskey to an alcoholic the darkness can fill you with empty promise. It will lead you to believe that within its walls you are safe. Safe of all feelings. Safe from your own thoughts. Safe from all of your fears. The darkness is a wonderful place to hide. It draws you in with its promise to keep you void of all things warm or loving. It will allow you to exist nothing more.

Recently something happened, the mask of darkness I have been wearing, the one that had the sliver of light in the corner. It has begun to crack. Multiple slivers of light are beginning to streak through. Something penetrated it. Something that had so much heart and warmth and patience that the bitterness I have felt and the darkness which has consumed can no longer do so.

The grief is still there, the loss still strongly felt but there is something different now. There is hope a true and honest hope. Hope that there can be life after death. Hope that the sun can still shine and the smile can be genuine. Hope where laughter lives and love blossoms. Hope is where the mask began to crack and light began to shine.